Sputtering Along, or is it Languishing?

One of the biggest ironies of this pandemic has been that every day since lockdown began I would get a hint of creative possibility in the morning, that never materialized during the day. I could have written the proverbial Great American Novel, painted the Sistine Chapel, composed a classical symphony, (if I knew how to do those things), with all the extra time I had kicking around the house. The only thing I accomplished was my 100 Day Project on Instagram of learning to draw faces. That was because the goal was small and wedged itself into my daily schedule of… what? I have no idea where time went.

Perhaps adopting our Pandemic Puppy was an error. Puppies require an extraordinary amount of time, which possibly explains why they were made so cute. But I don’t think it’s fair to blame it all on Freddie. Maybe it has something to do with so many of us trying to do our work under the same roof all year. Joe worked from home most of the time; child number 1 was here during the first half of pandemic before grad school; child number 2 was here, with just a short two month break, since the beginning. That’s a lot of coming and going and conversation for me. And don’t misunderstand me. I love having my family around and getting to know everyone so much better. Even if it kills the WiFi.

The issue is that I have been unable to find my focus. And I think the reason has more to do with a psychological state called Languishing, which was recently discussed and defined in the New York Times. If you have a subscription to the paper, or a kind friend with a subscription as I did, you can read all about it. In short, languishing is a joyless state of being. You’re not exactly depressed, but you also don’t have much oomph to be productive. You’re surviving but not thriving. It brings back memories of just a few years ago when I was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. My days, months, and the year have passed in a fog. And as a lifelong goal-driven person, it’s very frustrating for me.

The article recommends overcoming this foggy state with setting and achieving small goals. My instinct has been to do just that, which the 100 day project accomplished, as well as the start of this blog. However, you may have noticed, I don’t post regularly. That’s because I’m still trying to sputter my way out of this state of languishing, but haven’t quite reached steady state. It feels like a motor that has stalled and each attempt to rev it up almost gets it going, but not to steady humming.

There was a perverse comfort when I discovered that it wasn’t just me losing my mojo, that it was a pandemic problem. I hope it goes away now that things have started to open up again. Or do I? That’s the problem with languishing, it’s easy to lose your enthusiasm even for those bright lights on the horizon.

Have you noticed this in your own behavior? I’d love to commiserate if you comment.